Nikola's Jokes Blog
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
Blondes
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got . driver!"
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink
curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be
having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked what
size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room
are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her
computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
My Dear Wife...My Dear Husband
A letter was left on the dining room table:
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
Поука за мъжката лъжа!
Той заплакал от мъка, но пред него се явил Господ и попитал:
- Защо плачеш човече?
- Как да не плача, изпуснах в реката брадвата си и вече няма да мога да заработвам, за да храня семейството си.
Тогава Господ извадил от реката златна брадва и попитал:
- Това ли е брадвата ти?
- Не, това не е моята брадва – отговорил дървосекачът.
Тогава Господ извадил сребърна брадва и попитал:
- Може би това е твоята брадва?
- Не и това не е моята брадва – отговорил дървосекачът.
Най накрая Господ извадил от реката желязна брадва.
- Да, това е моята брадва, зарадвал се дървосекачът.
- Виждам, че ти си честен човек и съблюдаваш моите заповеди казал Господ, затова вземи със себе си за награда и трите брадви.
Дървосекачът започнал да си живее в добрина и охолство, но за нещастие един ден в реката паднала жена му. Той отново горчиво заплакал и отново му се явил Господ, и го попитал:
- Защо плачеш, човече?
- Как да не плача, като в реката падна жена ми...
Тогава Господ извадил от реката Дженифър Лопес и попитал:
- Това ли е жена ти?
- Да, това е моята жена – радостно отговорил дървосекачът.
Господ се разгневил:
- Ти ме излъга, защо направи това?
- Виждаш ли Господи – отговорил дървосекачът, тук стана малко недоразумение. Аз щях да кажа, че това не е моята жена. Ти тогава щеше да извадиш от реката Катрин Зита Джоунс, а аз щях да ти кажа, че това не е жена ми. Тогава щеше да извадиш от реката моята жена и аз щях да ти кажа, че точно това е тя - моята жена. Ти щеше да ми дадеш за награда и трите и какво щях да ги правя. Аз нямаше да мога да ги изхранвам и трите, и ние четиримата щяхме да сме много нещастни.
Поуката е че: Когато мъжете лъжат, то те го правят достойно и за общото благо !!!
Baby hit her one more time :)
This baby seems to be on Obama's side.
Top 24 replies by programmers when their programs don't work
23. "Who did you login as ?"
22. "It's a feature"
21. "It's WAD (Working As Designed)"
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it's not been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?"
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
1. "I thought I fixed that."
Phrases Of Wisdom
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Виетнамци строители
Haunted couple
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died
of
a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
ВАЖНИ НЕЩА, които нямаше да знам, ако нямах деца
Водното легло "King Style" съдържа достатъчно вода, за да запълни дом от 200 кв.м. с езеро 12 см дълбочина.
Гласът на 4 годишен тиквеник може да заглуши 200 нормално беседващи възрастни в препълнен ресторант.
Ако вържете кучешки повод за стаен вентилатор, мотора на последния не е достатъчно мощен да повдигне във въздуха 23 килограмов идиот в костюм на супермен. От друга страна е достатъчно мощен за да разпредели равномерно боята от буркана в ръката на "Супермен" по стените на стая 7Х7м.
Когато вентилатора е включен, не следва към него да се хвърлят бейзболни топки.
Стъклото на прозореца, дори двуслойно, не се явява препятствие за бейзболната топка, ударена от перката на вентилатора.
Ако от банята се чува шума от отваряне на тоалетното шкафче с вашата козметика, след това звън на стъкло и после детско гласче "Оооопс, ама аз....", - то вече е късно.
Спирачна течност смесена с хлоросъдържащ препарат за чистене на санитарен фаянс създават дим. Много дим.
4 годишен МОЖЕ да запали огън ползвайки камъни, колкото и да твърдя, че това става само на кино.
Циментово тесто и микровълнова печка не се понасят.
Суперцимента е суперцимент. Даже и забъркан от 4 годишен, той е завинаги. Даже и да не е на подходящото място.
Колкото и кутии "Джел -оу"(плодово желе) да сипеш в басейна, това не помага да ходиш по водата.
Филтрите на басеина не обичат "Джел-оу".
Стъклените топчета в резервоара издават много неприятен шум по време на каране.
По-добре да не се опитваш да разбереш откъде е този мирис.
Винаги трябва да се поглежда във фурната преди включване. Фурните не са особено добре настроени към пластмасови детски играчки.
На пожарната и трябват 6 минути за да стигне до вкъщи.
Центрофугата на пералнята не докарва световъртеж на дъждовните червеи.
Центрофугата на пералнята докарва световъртеж на котката.
Котката може да повърне почти колкото тежи, когато има световъртеж.
Да бъдеш баща...
seocontest2008 - English SEO Contest 2008
News from the Bulgarian camp
"The 16th edition of the International exhibition for viticulture and wine production “Vinaria 2008″ starts today at the International Fair in Plovdiv (Bulgaria), informed Seocontest2008 BG Team.
554 teams from 32 countries will take part in the event and more in SeoContest2008.
The “Vinaria” exhibition is included in the calendar of the Global association of the exhibition industry – UFI since 1997. The Seocontest2008 is new contest for SEO experts and was started Februari 2008."