Stories in English
Computers male or female
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what
gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set
up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women,
and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether
computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the
masculine gender.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
6. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
7. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
established a connection.
8. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
9. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
so much in the darn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
underpowered system.
10. They get hot when you turn them on.
11. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
12. It is always necessary to have a backup.
13. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
14. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
15. The lights are on but nobody's home.
16. Size does matter
17. Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the
things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done.
18. Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things
in the world that just don't add up.
19. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
20. The better and faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a
crashed state.
21. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
22. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but
tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very
expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize
it.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you".
6. Picky, picky, picky.
7. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
9. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
10. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
11. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
12. Smalltalk is important.
13. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
14. They make you take the garbage out.
15. Miss a period and they go wild
16. Computer Science is no more about computers, than astronomy is
about telescopes.
17. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working
20 years will make.
18. To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
19. Any system that relies on computer reliability is unreliable.
20. The only people making money these days are the ones who sell
computer accessories.
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..."
Marriage point of views
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote , you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
Blondes
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got . driver!"
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink
curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be
having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked what
size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room
are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her
computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
My Dear Wife...My Dear Husband
A letter was left on the dining room table:
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
Baby hit her one more time :)
This baby seems to be on Obama's side.
Top 24 replies by programmers when their programs don't work
23. "Who did you login as ?"
22. "It's a feature"
21. "It's WAD (Working As Designed)"
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it's not been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?"
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
1. "I thought I fixed that."
Phrases Of Wisdom
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Haunted couple
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died
of
a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
seocontest2008 - English SEO Contest 2008
News from the Bulgarian camp
"The 16th edition of the International exhibition for viticulture and wine production “Vinaria 2008″ starts today at the International Fair in Plovdiv (Bulgaria), informed Seocontest2008 BG Team.
554 teams from 32 countries will take part in the event and more in SeoContest2008.
The “Vinaria” exhibition is included in the calendar of the Global association of the exhibition industry – UFI since 1997. The Seocontest2008 is new contest for SEO experts and was started Februari 2008."
Social Math
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.